WeakAndSick
Administrator
Posts : 18
Join date : 2010-04-06
 | Subject: JOKE JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!!  Wed Apr 07, 2010 1:35 am | |
| Isang gabi sumakay ako sa jeep. Lahat ng pasahero nakatitig sa akin.
Walang umiimik. Sinubukan ko mag bayad pero di nila inaabot ang pera ko.
Kinalabutan ako.
May isang matandang bumulong sa akin, "hindi ka na dapat naparito.
Umalis kana habang kaya mo pa."
Napalunok ako, "ano hong ibig nyo sabihin?"
"INARKILA NAMIN ITO, NOH....Hehe!" 
Dad: Gabi na! Bakit ngayon ka lang umuwi?
Anak: Dad, not now. I'm tired. Dami projects, dami events sa school, nag-meeting pa kami with the Dean.
Dad: Magtigil ka! Kinder ka pa lang! 
Bakit Ganon? Sa kama na lang ba ang role ko sa buhay mo? Each time na
pagod ka, I'm always here para painitin ang malamig mong gabi.
Hindi mo ba ako pewede i-display sa mag tao, kahit minsan lang?....
--KUMOT
(nagda-drama, gusto maging kurtina)....hehe 
Stages of growth and development:
3-8 years - paramihan ng toys.
9-18 - pataasan ng grades.
19-25 - paramihan ng syota.
26-35 - pagandahan ng asawa
36-45 -palakihan ng income.
46-55 - padamihan ng kabit.
56-70 -padamihan ng sakit.
70 & above -pabonggahan ng Libing!!
Namboso si Satanas habang naliligo and isang sexing chick.
Biglang sigaw ng dalaga, "Ay Demonyo, hayop!"
Sabay takbo si Satanas at sabing, "shit, nakilala ako!" 
Anong kaibihan ng pera ng mayaman sa pera ng mahirap?
Ang pera ng mayaman parang pepsi, kung hindi max, mega.
Ang pera ng mahirap parang coke, kundi sakto, zero! 
Girfriends nagpasikatan:
Girl 1: Our family spent the whole summer in Europe. It was great. How about you? Where did you spend your summer vacation?
Girl 2: I just spent it here in the Philippines.
Girl 1: Really? Eew! Where in the Philippines?
Girl 2: At your boyfriend's bed. He was great!
Haha! Yan ang banat. Kumusta naman ang Europe pag ganun?
Sa Hospital...
Doc: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?
Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh?
Sa Barberya:
Barbero: Boss, subo nyo itong maliit na bola para pantay ahit ko sa pisngi nyo.
(Pagkatapos ahitin niluwa bola)
Kostomer: Ok to ah! Paano pag nalunok ko?
Barbero: Balik mo na lang bukas pag nai-tae mo na....tulad ng ginagawa ng ibang kostomer.
Kung nakukulitan kana sa mga saleslady na natatanong ng "ano pong hanap nila?" Isagot mo, "kapayapahan at pagkakaisa." 
Tignan natin kung di sila mawindang! Hehehe
Mrs: Mahal subok naman tayo ibang posisyon.
Mr: Wow! Gusto ko yan, Cge mahal game!
Mrs: Cge. Ikaw maglaba at magplantsa ngayon, ako naman iinom habang nood ng tv.
Tatay: Anak! Cge patunayan mong di ka bakla. Isigaw mo lahat ng sasabihin ko.
Tatay: baril!
Anak: BARIL!
Tatay: bala!
Anak: BALA!
Tatay: armalyt!
Anak: ARMALYT!
Tatay: lalaki
Anak: SAAN?!
Bata: Ate pag wala ka ba tenga maghihikaw ka?
Ate: syempre hindi.
Bata: eh pag wala kang daliri mag sisinsing ka?
Ate: syempre hindi din.
Bata: eh bakit nagba-bra ka?
Ate: PAKYU!!
Tanong: Ano ang pinakamainit na bahagi ng katawan ng babae?
Sagot: SINGIT!!
Tanong: Bakit?
Sagot: kita mo sa sobrang init nagkaroon nga ng Biyak!
May nag papatranslate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog:
"Emergency Exit"
ang sabi ko, "MADALING LABASAN...?
Tama ba? Parang bastos ata.
Lalake: Pag tayo na magkasama na nating haharapin ang mga problema.
Babae: Pero wala naman akong problema.
Lalake: Kasi nga, hindi pa tayo. Wag ka excited!!
Sa Sauna:
Attendant: Sir, gusto mo ng tirafi?
Guest: Anong tirafi? Baka therapy?
Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you tira me, you give me fee.
uki?
After Sex....
Mrs: Alam mo sweetheart para kang si HATTON, ang bilis mong bumigay!
(Nag-suot ng pantalon si Mr. a-alis)
Mrs: Hoy! Saan ka pupunta?
Mr: Maghahanap ako ng ibang kalaban yung....hindi kamukha ni PAQUIAO!
What's worse than finding a WORM in the apple you are eating?
Pag nakita mong KALAHATI na lang yung worm.
Mr: Hon, buksan mo ang pinto!
Mrs: Sori, hindi pwede. Wala akong suot.
Mr. (tumawa) ok lang. Wala akong kasama.
Mrs: Ako, meron!
GF: Bakit mo ako dinala ditto sa motel?
BF: pakakasalan naman kita eh.
GF: yoko dito.
BF: wala kang tiwala sa akin?
GF: basta yoko.
BF: bakit?
GF: mahina aircon dito! Sa iba tayo. 
Tip for a long life:
Wag mo isusulat name mo sa condolence book pag dumalaw ka sa patay.
Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nagkakaron ng raffle kung sinong sumunod....hehe
Guro: Pedro late kana naman.
Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko.
Guro: Problema bay un. E di i-advance mo.
Pedro: Sige po.
Guro: Oh, saan ka pupunta?
Boy: uwian na! hehe
--yan ang studyante matalino.
Graduation Speech ni Bebang:
A fleasance afternoon to all. To me, to you, we, they and everyone tonight.
I am graduation and I'm froud of me. I invitation you all to eat our
house because I know someday that I will eat your house too.
I will die 10 chickens, 7 girls and 3 boys to eat you all and I will ask my father to cook my mother.
Im suring you will come because Im graduation.
Thank You.
Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sayo! ABS ka!
Mr: Anong ABS?
Mrs: Alak Babae, Sugal!!
Mr: Eh ikaw CBN!
Mrs: CBN?
Mr: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.
May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:
Guy 1: Pre, doctor ako. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako!
Ikaw pre?
Guy 2: Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako.
Bakit binaril ng bobo ang girlfriend nya?
Kasi sinubukan nya kung totoong FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES!.
Pasahero: Mama, dahan-dahan lang po. Alalahanin nyo na palaging nakasunod sa atin ang disgrasya!
Drayber: E, kaya ko nga binibilisan para di tayo abutan!
Kasal...
Pari: Ikaw lalaki, tinatanggap mo bang maging kabiyak ang taong ito habambuhay?
Lalaki: Opo, Father!
Pari: At ikaw naman malanding pokpok kang bakla ka mukha kang kabayo,
'akala mo siguro ang ganda mo sa gown mo, 'ano? Tinatangap mo ba ang
lalaking ito na hindi ka magsisisi kahit magkabaon-baon ka sa utang sa
pagsustento sa kanya?
Bakla: Father, sabihin nyo lang kung tutol kayo sa kasal na ito kesa naman tumalak ka diyan, naka mic ka pa naman.
Anak: Inay, bakit po VICTORIA ang pangalan ni ate?
Inay: Kasi, anak doon naming sya ginawa ng itay mo.
Anak: Eh, bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Inay: Ay, tumigil ka na nga LUNETA at baka mapalo kita! Tawagin mo si Kuya FX mo!.
(sa isang turo-turo):
Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!
Tindera: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo....manok?
It's final. Two Japanese nationals killed the wife of Ted Failon....
They have been identified as KURO-KURO and HAKA-HAKA!
Tom: Alam mo pare, my new wife is a sex object!
Jerry: Wow! Maganda pala ang napangasawa mo pre!
Tom: Hindi naman. But everytime I want to have sex, she objects!
PO 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!
SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K-10, hindi na sila aso
PO 1: Ano na sila sir?
SUPT: maliit na pusa...
Anak: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.
Nanay: Cge, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno.
Do you know who said this:
"You'll never know what you have till it's gone and once you lose it , you can never get it back."
Snatcher sa Cubao...Inglisero pa.
Isang ina ang nagsilang ng napakapangit na sanggol.
Ama: Isa syang kayamanan.
Ina: Oo, nga! Ibaon natin!.....hehe
Dr: I'm sorry, wala na ko magagawa para tumayo pa si MANOY mo. Palagyan mo na lang ng bolitas.
Ben: Anung gamit nun doc?
Doc: Gamitan mo ng magnet para tumayo.
As you age, take Garfield's words of wisdom:
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more info in
our heads.... so I'm not fat. I'm just really intelligent and my head
couldn't hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me."
Paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a sports car. When they
see the driver screaming in pain they tell him to calm down as at least
he was not flung out through the windscreen like his girlfriend.
He screamed back, "have you seen what's in her mouth?"
A husband asked his wife, "What do you like most in me, my macho face or my sexy body?
The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor".
Russian: Sir, we got huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.
Putin: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE!
A guy picks up a girl for a date.
"Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?
Girl: I promised mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt....hehehe
A trucker driving a big truck noticed a man and a woman making love in
the middle of the road ahead. He blew the horn several times. He
finally applied the brakes desperately. and the truck stopped just
inches from the couple.
Trucker: You bastards! Didn't you hear my horn?
Man: I did, but she was coming, you were coming and you were the only one with brakes.
Boy: Please whisper those three little words that will set me on fire.
Girl: Go to hell!
A thought:
It's true that money can't buy happiness.
But you gotta admit, It's more comfortable to cry inside a BMW than inside a tricycle.
A blind medium claims he can tell the ladies future by feeling their naked buttocks.
He calls this gift of his divine knowledge....ASS- trology!.
Lady to Fortune Teller: "I have two suitors, I like both of them, but can't decide who to marry. Tell me, who is the lucky one?
Fortune Teller: "One will marry you. The other will be the LUCKY ONE".
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zagvot
Moderator
Posts : 131
Join date : 2010-04-06
Age : 34
Location : surigao city
| | Subject: Re: JOKE JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!! Wed Apr 07, 2010 3:11 am | |
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omekemoy
Active Member
Posts : 57
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 33
Location : sa amu!!
| | Subject: Re: JOKE JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!! Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:37 pm | |
| Bitaw!! Nagmuta laman aku mata!!!  | |
|
zagvot
Moderator
Posts : 131
Join date : 2010-04-06
Age : 34
Location : surigao city
| | Subject: Re: JOKE JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!! Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:45 pm | |
| ag kimberly  | |
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